I had been living under false pretenses; other people’s stories, beliefs, and opinions. It wasn’t until I paused to give thought to my thoughts that I realized the extent of this. It wasn’t until I started questioning my automatic opinions and reactions that I understood they weren’t always my own and more distressing, they didn’t always serve me.

We are all products of the environment we are raised in. We grow up learning what we live. All the other people in our life continually make impressions on us. Consciously or unconsciously, with good intention or not, they train us up with what they believe.

It’s reminds me of the story about a young newlywed couple who were hosting their first family holiday dinner. While preparing the meal, the nervous young wife proceeded to cut off the end of the ham before placing it in a large roasting pan and sliding the pan into the oven. The husband, curious about this, asked his wife why she cut off the end of the ham and she confidently replied, ‘because mama always did.’

It didn’t make sense to him, but not wishing to shake his wife’s confidence he decided that he would ask his mother-in-law later that day. As the family was seated around the table enjoying a delicious dinner, the young husband asked his mother-in-law why she cut off the end of a ham before baking it. She replied, as her daughter had, ‘because mama always did.’

Well, ‘Mama’, his wife’s grandmother was also at the table and hoping to get an answer that made sense to him, the husband explained to her that both her daughter and granddaughter said that they cut off the end of a ham before baking it because that was the way Mama always did it. So, would Grandma please clear up the mystery and tell him the purpose for cutting off the end of the ham. Grandma smiled at him and said, “Well honey, I just didn’t have a pan big enough for the whole ham.”

How many times have I ‘cut off the end of the ham?’ How many times have I let unconscious behaviors, statements or beliefs come spilling out of me? We become an amalgamation of others’ ideas, feelings, and opinions and we learn what pleases and displeases those around us and use that information to make life easier, to survive in the most comfortable way that we can. Millions of tiny impressions day after day, year after year; some imperceivable, others seared into our psyche. So as an adult, whose life was I leading? Were the beliefs and stories I carried even mine? As it turns out, many of them were not. I was a people pleaser.

There were times I’ve felt diminished, guilty, or ashamed because what I believed didn’t conform to the stories and impressions that I grew up among. Somehow, I was dishonoring my impressionists because I didn’t believe the same things they did.

Confliction caused anxiety that niggled in my gut, but I misunderstood those feelings. I believed that somehow, I was ‘wrong’ for not agreeing with the impressionists, not conforming to their beliefs, not being a people pleaser, when in fact, my authentic self was warning me that something didn’t sit right with me, that there was ‘truth’ be explored.

Now if I feel some kind of dis-ease, I pause, observe, and question. I don’t just cut off the end of the ham. Instead of immediately reacting I explore the thought behind the feeling and decide what it is true for me. No longer do I dishonor my authentic self to please others. I am my own Impressionist.